happy birthday

My baby finally came!

Michael Dylan Ball
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
11:23 am
7 pounds 14 ounces
21 3/4 inches

Around 8 on Monday night I started having contractions. However, they were pretty sporadic so I thought they were probably just more practice ones. My midwife told me that whenever I started having contractions I should rest or take a shower to see if they keep going. On Sunday night I had been having pretty regular contractions but they ceased after taking a shower. However, this time after resting and standing in hot water for a good 20 minutes the contractions still kept up. I tried to sleep a little bit to see if they still continued--I really didn't want to get my hopes up that my little guy was on the way only to be let down. Finally, at about 1 am I decided to call the midwife and ask her opinion of whether or not I should head to the hospital. The on-call midwife said that yes, I probably should, especially considering that I was positive for Group-B Strep and they would need to start the antibiotics, otherwise I probably could have (would have) labored at home for a while longer.

I hung up the phone and told Aaron we were going to the hospital and he pretty literally sprang out of bed. We packed a few more things in the bags that have been sitting patiently in our bedroom, turned on the porch light, made sure the doors were locked and got in the car to the hospital. Aaron joked that at least there was no traffic.

After we got to the hospital and signed all the admission forms, we were taken to my labor room where I was hooked up to a monitor and also given an IV with my first dose of penicillin. The IV wasn't as bad as I had anticipated it to be, the only annoying thing was that apparently I have crooked veins and the only one they could stick a needle into was in my right hand, which made using it the rest of the morning a bit of a hassle.

By this time it was about 2am, so Aaron and I tried to get some sleep, it was moderately successful--hospital beds are uncomfortable and I didn't realize I was allowed to unhook myself from the monitors until a nurse came in and told me I could. We also called our parents to let them know the baby was on the way.

At around 5 am my mom and sister showed up and we all hung out reading the paper and talking. Aaron and I also took a couple laps around the labor and delivery wing and also went and looked at the babies in the nursery. At about 7 or 8 am the on-call midwife came to check on me. My midwife was out of town about an hour away and they told me that hopefully she would be back in time for the delivery. I really hoped that she would because I did not like the other midwife. I had met her a few times before, and hadn't much cared for her then. Then when she came in to the labor room the first thing she said was that my labor wasn't progressing fast enough for her and that she wanted to give me pitocin, which is a drug used to speed up labor. This really bothered me as one of the main reasons I went with a midwife is because they tend to be more resistant to using drugs and medical interventions, which was important to me.

Thankfully, she decided to try breaking my water first to see if that would speed labor along.

And oh, it did.

By 9am I was 7 centimeters dilated and Michael's head was already on its way down the birth canal. The midwife told me that Michael was probably going to be born before noon and she called my midwife, Jill, to hopefully get her to the hospital on time. My labor nurse told me to walk around a bit but forbid me from going too far since she said pretty soon my contractions were going to get pretty intense.

A little before 9 am--excited because Michael is on the way!
At this point I clearly have no idea what the hell I'm in for.

Up until this point, my contractions had basically just felt like really bad menstrual cramps and I was honestly wondering what the big deal was. I quickly found out.

As Aaron and I were walking the halls I started to feel much stronger contractions, to the point where they stopped me in my tracks and I just had to stand and hold onto the railing on the walls for a little bit. Finally I just couldn't walk around anymore so we went back to the labor room and I sat on the birth ball for a while to help ease the pain in my lower back. After a while though even that didn't help and I just had to bend over the bed swaying back and forth with my head in my hands trying to remember all those stupid breathing exercises and focus points that we learned in birthing class. They didn't help.

What did help was when my labor nurse started pushing down on my back to help relieve some of the pressure, and that felt pretty amazing. I should take the time now to note that I had the best nurse ever helping me with my labor and delivery. I honestly don't know how I would have made it through without her. She was just so calm and caring and she knew exactly what to say to me--especially when I started to freak out towards the end. She also had a nursing student with her who was really sweet. It wasn't until later that I found out it was the student's first day in labor and delivery and that I was the first birth she ever saw or helped out with.

Finally when I was about at 9 cm my nurse said it was time to fill up the whirlpool for the water birth. So I put my swimsuit top on and Aaron got on his swim trunks and we got in. I'd like to say that the water relaxed me, but I'm not sure how much it did. Maybe it would have if I had gotten into the whirlpool sooner, but by this point I was in my

Oh my God, what the hell was I thinking doing this without drugs. This was the stupidest idea I've ever had. There is no way I can push this thing out, I wonder if it's too late for a C-section. Oh dear God can someone just knock me out and wake me up when it's over. How do those women on 'I didn't know I was pregnant' not know they're in labor, now I know that show if full of s**t. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God

phase. Just read that bit all in one breath and it'll give a better idea of how frantic I was.

Thankfully, my midwife Jill arrived at this moment and the on call midwife left which made me much happier. I was begging her to let me start pushing because it felt like every part of my body was telling me to, but she told me I had to wait just a little longer because I wasn't quite at 10 cm yet.

At this point let me tell you who all was in the room:
me
Aaron
my mom
labor nurse
nursing student
nursing student's supervisor
Jill the Midwife
student midwife (who I didn't notice until after the baby was out)
nurse for the baby
random other woman who I never figured out why she was there

So we had a pretty full house. My sister was there for the first part of my labor but left right about when I got in the whirlpool. I think this was a pretty good decision on her part since I don't know that she really could have handled watching the birth. That's not a slight against her, she's just always been a rather private person and in a medical setting at least I have absolutely no sense of modesty.

So, back to me in the whirlpool with this gaggle of people around me. Finally they told me to start pushing. I have to say, compared to the contractions, finally pushing felt amazing. Though it probably didn't sound like it as I was screaming louder than I'd ever heard myself scream. Apparently you could hear it in the waiting room. I think it actually kind of scared the nursing student who was helping to hold one of my legs. Like I said, I found out later that it was the first birth she ever saw, poor thing.

After about 45 minutes of pushing Jill told me that she needed me to stand up so she could get the baby out. She was saying some other stuff too, but all I heard was "stand up = baby out" and I shot up out of the water. Later everyone told me they were shocked out fast I was able to get up. I remember pushing one more time and then hearing the baby start to cry as and stumbled back into the water that now looked like it belonged in a horror movie from all the blood.

I found out later that while I was pushing, the umbilical cord had actually broken while the baby was still inside of me, which means he was no longer getting any oxygen and also couldn't take a breath on his own since he was underwater. That's why I needed to stand up so they could get the baby out fast and also why he was extremely pale when he was born. Because the cord broke, all the blood inside of it poured out into the bath, so I wasn't really bleeding, it just looked really bad. According to my mom, Aaron went pretty pale at this point seeing what the water looked like, but he quickly re-grouped.

Getting checked out just after being born--you can see how pale he is

Somehow I got back on the hospital bed, though I honestly don't remember walking over to it. Once in the bed, they had Aaron climb in with me (thankfully he's skinny so we both fit!) and they gave our Michael to us. I counted his fingers and toes and stroked his hair and face. We just couldn't believe how beautiful he was. I didn't cry like I assumed I would, but Aaron did, at it was actually the first time in the 5 years I've known him that I've ever seen tears in his eyes ♥

There was plenty that happened the rest of the day, including visitors, a scary episode where I nearly passed out from losing so much blood and just holding and marveling at our little guy. But the most important thing is just how perfect he is. I really can't even believe it and I love every little thing about him. As I've been typing this he's been asleep on my chest, taking little breaths and squirming every now and then when I lean down to smell his hair or kiss his itty-bitty baby head.

Yesterday Aaron and I took Michael to the doctor for a checkup and while we were waiting we talked about how the last time we were in that office was in March when we found out we were having the little guy. In some ways that really seems like a lifetime ago when I think of the morning that I woke up from having a dream that I was pregnant and took a pregnancy test that came out positive, and then that afternoon took another test and looked down and saw that word: pregnant.

At the time I cried and cried and wanted nothing more than to erase the situation. Now I can't imagine not having my baby boy, it just seems like he's always been with us, with his little hands up by his face and his little baby cries and coos and his little dark blue eyes searching around and looking at the world.

♥

Just Hang in There

Sigh, no baby yet. Parenting is already teaching me patience. Sort of.

I've managed to fill my days with visiting my mom and sister at work, having lunch with Aaron, writing, beginning to plan for Children's Lit next semester, selling some clothes at Black Market, cleaning things that probably don't really need cleaned and reading. In regards to selling clothes, I finally had to admit to myself that there are some things that I'm just not going to be able to wear anymore--both due to the job I have now and the fact that I'm not 19 anymore. Sigh, oh well.

I've already finished one book, Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi, which is a memoir of her struggles with anorexia, bulimia and being a closeted lesbian during the 90's. I kind of punked out on reading Barbara Kingsolver's The Lacuna because it was just really hard to get into and I didn't find myself particularly interested in any of the characters. So today I'll move on to one of the other books I picked up for myself to read, though I'm not sure which one.

I've been trying a bunch of different ways to naturally get labor going, eating pineapple (which is one of my favorite foods anyway, so not a big deal), walking (or rather waddling) around the neighborhood and mall with all the old people in their jogging suits and eating spicy foods, among other things. I like to think that it is helping things along.

When I went to the midwife this Wednesday, she told me that I'm two centimeters dilated and about fifty percent effaced and that Michael's head is super low, which is all good news. Unfortunately, he turned back around and is now "sunny side up" again. But otherwise everything is checking out fine. If I haven't had Michael by next Wednesday (the 10th) then we'll talk about induction because there is no way I am going to go beyond 41 weeks.

Today is Michael's (original) official due date, so let's all stay positive and patient! I'm going to go eat more pineapple and dodge people with their walkers at Gateway.

b-to-the-ored. i need a baby or something to play with.

I am growing quite tired of the waiting game. Yesterday I had an appointment with my midwife and she told me that most babies are born after their due date so I should really be looking at the week after Michael is due for him to actually be born. So it's looking more and more like Michael might be a November baby. Michael's original due date was November 7, and them they moved it up to October 30, so I'm just hoping that he won't be born after November 7, because I might actually have gone crazy by that point. However, if I have learned anything this year, it is to go ahead and have plans set your mind, but to pretty much count on them not working out that way.

I would be okay with Michael being born on the 7th though, because that was my grandpa's birthday, and my grandpa was a pretty awesome person, so I'd be happy if Michael shared his birthday.

However, Michael is at least getting more and more ready to come out. He's finally turned around and has his back facing out--so no more "sunny side up" and my midwife says his head is pretty much in position. At my appointment next week (if I don't go into labor before then) she's going to give me an estimate of how big he is, though she said that from how I'm measuring he's probably a little bit on the smaller size--not abnormally small, I'm just not having a 9 pound baby or anything like that.

Last night I dreamt that I had Michael, but that instead of being a human it was a cat. Everyone was really nice about it and petting him and telling me how handsome he was, but I wasn't buying it. I knew it was a damn cat.




Not my child.

However, I do think Michael will be this adorable (probably more so):




So far I've been quite productive this break. I cleaned all our floors, got my oil changed, started reading The Lacuna, done some baking, cleaned through my itunes, cleaned through my closet, visited my grandma, got my quarter report cards done, bought my sister's birthday gift and finally started going through my huge stack of materials from summer school. So I've been trying to get my mind off of waiting for my little guy, though that's hard to do when
1. you're getting kicked in the ribs all the time
2. it seems like every woman in Lincoln is pregnant or just had a baby right now. Am I the only one who has noticed this when out and about? What's with the baby boom?

In the last bit of news and my attempt to keep myself busy, Aaron and I finally started watching Modern Family since it seems like almost everyone is telling us how much we would love it.
Well, everyone was right, because I haven't laughed at a show this much since Arrested Development. By the way, this is totally how we're going to introduce Michael to people when they come to the hospital:

my baby sunny side up

me: how terrible of a person am i that watching "i'm pregnant and morbidly obese" on discovery health makes me feel so much better about myself and my body image?
tyler: NOT AT ALL.
me: good, cause it totally does.

Oh me and body issues. I truly feel like a hippo right now, I can barely move around. I feel like right now Michael and I are having a territorial battle over my body and he's definitely winning. Last week when my midwife measured me she just said, "wow, you're really running out of room, aren't you?". My torso might be long, but it does have a limit. Also, Michael is still facing out instead of back, though I can understand wanting to be born looking out at the world, so I can't be too upset with him about that. Today Aaron's dad said that babies in that position are called "sunny side up". I have no idea whether this is true or just something he made up, but I like it either way.


I know this isn't sunny side up, but it was the best picture of a happy egg I could find. Hopefully Michael's head does not actually look like this.

A bit of bad news from the midwife this week: I tested positive for group b strep. GBS is something that almost 25% of all healthy women have, and it's cause isn't known. Most women never know that they have it because it doesn't cause any symptoms or issues in adults. However, for pregnant women who test positive for GBS, the bacteria can be passed on to the baby during labor and delivery. If a baby gets GBS, it can lead to sepsis, pneumonia, meningitis or even death.

This means that during my labor I'll have to be given penicillin through an IV every four hours to help prevent the bacteria being passed on to Michael. It also means that I won't be able to really labor at home for a while like I was hoping to because they need to start giving me the medicine as soon as possible.

When I found out about this on Wednesday I was so upset that I just went home and cried. I couldn't (and still can't) imagine carrying Michael for this long and loving him this much only to have something terrible happen to him as he's born. It was all I could think about to the point that I was still up at three in the morning crying about it.

However, I talked to my mom who reminded me that it's really not the worst thing that could happen, and with antibiotics the chances of GBS being passed on to Michael goes down to 1 in 4000. She also told me that her teaching partner had GBS with her last pregnancy and had to have the penicillin every four hours and that she said it wasn't a big deal at all and she had no problems with it. I also know that I should feel lucky that I've had a pretty easy pregnancy, and at least I haven't developed toxemia, which is something I was concerned about as my mom had it with both her pregnancies causing both my sister and I to be born early. As my midwife said, if this is the only thing that goes wrong I should be quite happy.

I'm still worried of course, after all it is in my nature to constantly worry about everything.

But lets move on to good things, shall we?

The nursery is all done!

View from the doorway

Changing Table and Alphabet Poster

All of Michael's little animal friends waiting for him to arrive! (plus all his storybooks)

Crib with Baloo, Gentle Giraffe and Happy Lion Mirror!




Little closet filled with little clothes and shoes.

This is the plaque that Aaron and I painted for Michael at Paint Yourself Silly, it's hanging inside his doorway.

Today Aaron also put together the pack-and-play in our bedroom, so Peanut can sleep in the same room as us for the first few weeks. Eventually we'll probably move it downstairs so he can have a place to sleep on the main floor as well.



In the corner there you can also see my bags packed for the hospital, haha.

We're really ready to go any day now, so I'm just playing the waiting game. Every morning when I get up I ask Michael if he'd like today to be his birthday, though so far he's decided to stay in. However, I must admit I'm very glad we waited until the first quarter of school was finished as it was very nice to get the first quarter wrapped up and to have been there the whole time with my kids.

Speaking of school & work, Friday was my last day teaching until I go back on December 13, and it feels weird to not have to be going in to work or seeing my students for that long. I quite honestly can't imagine what I'm going to do with myself all day. Well, that's not entirely true, I'll be planning for next semester, in particular for Children's Literature which I am so excited to teach.

I think my first quarter of my first *real* teaching job went well. I've grown a lot this year and I know I've definitely improved. When I think back to student teaching I honestly can't believe how horrible I was, if I could go back and watch myself I'm sure my jaw would be on the ground and my face red with embarrassment. I still need to work on discipline as I know I'm still probably way too nice to my students and now that I'm a little more comfortable with the curriculum and my students' abilities I'm excited to try some different things, because I admit I played this first quarter very much by the book. However the changes I did make to the curriculum (such as changing the articles we read out of the book and bringing in current events) were, in my opinion, successful.

My real strength is still in building relationships with the students, though I'm still not sure why, as this is something I remember going into student teaching thinking would be extremely difficult for me to do, as it normally takes me a really long time to ever get to know someone or make any sort of relationship/connection with them. I don't know why it's different for me in a classroom environment than it is in a social one, but I'll take it. On the last day of the quarter I had students fill out self-evaluations of the course and their performance so far, and one question I asked was what they liked about the class so far. One student wrote "well, I know I'm failing all my classes including this one, but I feel like you're the only one of my teachers who hasn't given up on me and listens to me."

I don't think I could have gotten any better comment, and it's things like that that I know will help me when I have to go back to work, even though I'll probably be crying all the way to school every day after I drop Peanut off at daycare.

I feel like a cross between a busy bee and a hibernating bear.

So basically, you know, like Winnie the Pooh. I even have a tummy like him.

37 weeks pregnant

These past two weeks have been crazy busy, with two nights of parent/guardian-teacher conferences, the writing graduation demonstration exam (which is a three day test), the reading graduation demonstration exam (which ALL my students took and I had to get ready for), IEP and district meetings, homecoming, finishing up baby classes, meeting with my long term sub for maternity leave and everything else.

The end of first quarter is next Friday, and then it’s fall break, after which I start my maternity leave. So needless to say I’m getting antsy, because once I’m done with next Friday I basically have seven weeks off for maternity leave. This will literally be the first time I’ve had off from any sort of work or school since…you know, I honestly don’t know. I’ve had at least one job of some sort ever since my senior year of high school, so that means the last time I haven’t had at least a job and/or class was when I was 16—the summer before my Junior year of high school. That’s weird. The other day I went and got a book to read while I’m on leave: The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver. I’ve wanted to read it since it came out because it’s about Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo—and Frida is one of my favorite artists. I also really enjoy Kingsolver’s work, ever since I read The Poisonwood Bible however many years ago.

I finally got around to making some playlists for the hospital/labor. I ended up making three different ones because I of course don’t really know what mood I’m going to be in. All the baby books and such suggest having calm music to play while you’re in labor, so I made a playlist for that.

(a sampling from) Having a Baby—Calm

Fall in a River—Badly Drawn Boy

Fast as I Can—Erin McKeowen

Landing Gear—Ani DiFranco

Whiter Shade of Pale—Annie Lennox

Shadowboxer—Fiona Apple

Hold on Love—Azure Ray

Nothing I Can Do—Ben Taylor

Come On, Come Out—A Fine Frenzy

Anticipation—Carly Simon

However, I think that in some ways calm music (combined with the fact that I’m in a hospital) might give me the feeling that I’m sick, which isn’t really the mindset I want to be in. If anything, I’d think I’d want to feel strong and pumped up, like I do when I’m running (not that I’ve done any running in quite a while) so I made a “Work It Out Style” playlist as well.

(a sampling from) Having a Baby—Work it Out Style

B.O.B.—Outkast

Mercy—Duffy

Clumsy—Fergie

Beyonce, just, lots of Beyonce

Sari—Nellie McKay

Paper Planes—MIA

Stronger—Kanye West

Hip Hop is Dead—Nas

And then some more Beyonce.

Finally, I also made a playlist called “And Baby Makes Three”. This is a list of songs that I imagine listening to with Aaron and Michael as we hang out together that first day or so in the hospital and the first week at home with each other.

(a sampling from) And Baby Makes Three

What is Life—George Harrison

Tangled Up in Blue—Bob Dylan

Splendid Isolation—Pete Yorn

The Stoop—Little Jackie

Mushaboom—Fiest

American Land—Bruce Springsteen

Three is a Magic Number—Blind Melon

Here for You—Neil Young

Beautiful Boy—John Lennon

Again, all three of these are a very small sample as each playlist is at least 50 songs long.

Today I had an appointment with my midwife, and everything is still going well. My blood pressure is good, and this time she also checked my hemoglobin level, which she said was also where it should be. I also got tested for strep b today, and I’ll find out the results of that next week. Basically if it ends up I do have it I just have to take some antibiotics. Apparently it’s something that doesn’t really cause problems in adults and most people never even know they have it, but it can be dangerous if passed on to the baby. So we’ll find out about that next week. Oh and in weight gain I’m up to 43 pounds. Oh. My. God.

Michael has moved down lower (which I can tell), so he’s getting in position for popping his little head into the world, but right now he’s facing out instead of facing my back, which is the easier position for delivery, so I’m supposed to try a couple different things to get him to turn around. Otherwise he’s being a very good little boy. In another new development, he gets the hiccups almost every day. In fact, he has them right now as I’m typing this, haha.

In other news, this past Sunday was Aaron and I’s first wedding anniversary, and our fifth anniversary of being together. We went out to diner and ate the top layer of our wedding cake (which still tasted surprisingly good).

This has been quite a surprising first year of marriage, but in a good way of course. I am glad that Peanut stayed in long enough for us to celebrate our first anniversary sans baby though. Much as I love him I did want at least one anniversary to be just the two of us.

Five years ago when Aaron and I first started dating I honestly wouldn’t have been too shocked if someone had told me that we were going to end up married with kids (though I would have been surprised to learn how soon we would have our first baby). Aaron and I went on our first pseudo-blind date to a movie in September of 2005 and we’ve basically been together ever since that first time meeting each other. For someone who was so terrified of commitment and being tied to someone (especially a man) that I would pretty much intentionally sabotage any sort of relationship I got into, that fear certainly (and quickly) disappeared with Aaron. He really is the best friend and partner in crime I could ever have, and I'm so excited to have another little member of our family to love.

"I think you've gotten like three times bigger since I last saw you."~Barista at Starbucks

34 weeks pregnant. I have no idea how this top still buttons shut.

My nesting instinct has definitely kicked in. I've been cleaning basically anything and everything. Yesterday morning I even went so far as to sweep and mop the basement.
Seriously.

We've got almost everything done and ready for Michael. Yesterday the rocking chair Aaron's parents bought for us was delivered:



Right now it's the first thing you see when you reach the top of the stairs, and I think it really just completes the nursery. We still need to hang some things on the walls, including this poster we bought:



Also, my mom found an old bookcase that my dad is stripping and re-painting to put in the baby's room as well.

My mind seems to have completely been taken over by baby thoughts, just baby baby baby. I am starting to get extremely impatient to meet my little guy and get to know him. It honestly is almost all I can think about.

I've decided to make sub plans for the month of October just in case Michael decides to pop his little head into the world early. Though I am hoping to at least make it through the first week of October since then I'll have gotten through conferences and state testing. After that, it's pretty much "come whenever you want baby boy!"

♥ smile.baby ♥

I just booked newborn photos for Michael!

The other night on the radio I heard an ad for a photography special for "blizzard babies" (which is apparently what Michael is) and started thinking about how nice it would be to have some professional photos of Michael as a newborn. There's just such a small window of time where they're at that precious little newborn stage, I think it would be beautiful to have it captured in some professional photos. That way we could also have photos in time for Christmas to give to relatives (so sorry family members who read this, I just spoiled your present). Plus we're finally getting our deposit back from the apartment we moved out of in June, so we'll have some extra money coming in.

There was one photographer here in Lincoln that I really liked but she was just so expensive. Her photos of newborns were amazing, but the prices were just really outrageous--at least for people with our paychecks, haha.

So then I went to the website of the photographer whose ad I actually heard. I also really liked their baby photos and their prices were much more reasonable. Also, the couple who run the studio used to be part of the studio that took my senior pictures six years ago (which seems like both a very long and very short time ago) so I've already worked with them before and was really pleased with the work they did then.

I did contemplate getting maternity shots done because I do think they're beautiful, but I honestly don't know when I would ever actually look at something like that or who I would show them to, and I really can't see having a photo like that hanging in my house. It's basically the same way I felt about getting bridal portraits done last year--nice idea, but just ultimately not for me.

So right now our photos are scheduled for November 4th, which of course just gives me one more thing to be excited about--as if I don't have enough to distract me from work, haha.

Speaking of work, things are going really well. I love the school I'm at and so far I'm keeping up with everything. I feel like summer school was kind of a crash course first year of teaching so I feel like I'm a little more settled than I might otherwise be. I made a few goals for myself with this school year and so far I've stuck by them pretty well. One was to send copies to the print shop instead of always making a ton at school. I was really bad about this during my student teaching and summer school--though to be fair, at summer school since I wasn't technically a teacher with the district I didn't have my own copy code so I always had to wait for the media specialist to give me hers.

Another was to have all my lesson plans done for maternity leave by the end of labor day weekend. I finished my maternity lesson plans this past weekend, so I was off by a week on that one. Regardless, it's still so nice to have them finished and typed up, though I still need to put them all together in a binder and make sure all the copies have been made. Oh and I need to get a short video about the Trojan War.

I had an appointment with my midwife today, everything is on track and yes, Michael is the right size. People keep making comments that I'm still tiny (even though I feel like a lumbering giant) for being 33 weeks pregnant. I know people mean to be polite when they say this, but all it makes me do is worry that something is wrong and Michael is too small. So I asked my midwife about this, and she assured me that he is measuring at exactly the right size and that the reason I don't seem as big is 1. I have a long torso which gives the baby more room and 2. I was pretty skinny to begin with so, as I've been saying all along, though I may not look super preggers, for me this is pretty big. For example, pre-pregnancy my waist was 26 inches, I measured just now and I'm at 38.
yeah.

More than anything I am just starting to get so impatient. I just want to meet my little guy.

hello, I'm a hippo

I know some women love being pregnant and every thing about it. I am not one of those women.

Last week in our baby class we had to make lists of the things we hate about being pregnant and then the things we love about it.

I hate...

• gaining weight. Thus far I have gained 35 pounds. I feel disgusting. My thighs now touch each other when I walk. I was looking at some of my jeans that I wore this time last year and it made me nothing but depressed. This is exacerbated by people telling me that I don't look pregnant at all. It's like what, did you think I was just fat?
  
• not being able to sleep on my stomach.
  
• not being able to drink. This is actually sort of funny though, because anyone who knows me knows that I almost never drink. Honestly, half a glass of wine pretty much does me in and I've never finished a beer in my life. But some of the hot nights this summer, watching Aaron drink a cold beer just makes me want a drink soooo badly.
  
• not being able to smoke hookah.
• not being able to wear what I want.
• maternity clothes. They all look the same and are boring.
  
• being tired.
• my face breaking out like a 13-year-old's.
• upper back pain.
• dealing with health insurance companies.
• doctor's bills.
• being hungry, hungry, hungry all the time time time.
  

I love...

• feeling Michael move.
• baby clothes.
• the smell of baby things.
• getting Michael's room ready.
• hearing Michael's heartbeat.
• talking with Aaron about all the things we're looking forward to about being parents.
• getting back rubs from Aaron.
• my tummy. Yes, I know this seems to contradict what I said about hating weight gain. But what I hate is the weight I've gained in my arms, legs and face, I actually like my pregnant stomach.
• ultra-sound pictures.
• imagining what Michael will look like. I hope he's a little mini Aaron...minus the beard.
  
• anticipating his first smile, laugh and cry. Thinking about the first time he recognizes me or says "I love you mommy!"
• reading books and talking to Michael, asking "how you doing baby boy?"
• having so much love love love for this little baby person, feeling like he already knows me so well and just being so excited to get to know him.

In other news, I had an appointment with my midwife today. Everything is going well--my blood pressure is good, Michael is measuring right where he should and his heartbeat is strong. Nine more weeks!

my little activist

I've mentioned before that Michael seems to really start kicking around anytime I'm reading or watching something that has to do with social injustice or bigotry. This week it seems like he's constantly doing summersalts and aerobics as I've been reading things about glenn beck's rally yesterday, the Muslim community center in Manhatten (also known misleadingly as the Ground Zero Mosque) and all sorts of other issues in the news right now. Sometimes I find myself wondering about Michael growing up in such a political/social environment filled with ignorance, hate and people using religion as a tool to spread both. It's understandable, being hateful and fearful is much easier to do than to actually think critically and try to understand where someone is coming from. In general, people are terrified of change and of anything different from themselves.

I don't know that I would say that I grew up in a particularly political household--at least not in the sense that my parents were really overtly involved in politics beyond voting. Though they both certainly raised my sister and I with the notion that regardless of where someone comes from or who they are that they are valid and worthwhile people who have the same rights as I do. I also became aware fairly early on that many people do not feel this way and that there is definitely a social hierarchy at work here in the United States. Lately more and more it seems that those desperate to keep this hierarchy in place are getting louder in their protests, and I can't help but get depressed about it.

However, then I think of my wonderful students, the people that I have in my life and how beautiful the world still is. As much as I might get discouraged, I have to believe in keeping up the fight.



"landing gear " by Ani DiFranco

hey little bag of sugar
floating in your biosphere
summon the courage
to put down your landing gear
and come out here

'cuz i am as exhausted
as a drowning polar bear
swimming around looking for a ride
and it's so god awful hot outside

and quit kicking me in the rib
every time adam tells what he did
man creates woman, he says
sweeping his hand through the air
like mister show biz

you're gonna love this world
if it's the last thing i do
the whole extravagant joke
topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
for someone who ain't even here yet
look how much the world loves you
look how much the world loves you

the candles are burning down
the music is fading
your pinata is torn
it is time to be born
death is at the door
peddling that old fashioned
blood and gore
here at the house of creation
cue the sobering moment
of revelation

you're gonna love this world
if it's the last thing i do
the whole extravagant joke
topped in bitter sweet chocolate goo
for someone who ain't even here yet
look how much the world loves you
look how much the world loves you


When I was around 5 I remember asking my mom why people looked different from each other, for example different colored skin and hair and eyes, etc. She told me that it was so we could all tell each other apart and find each other when we got lost. For example, if I got lost from her in the store, how would I ever find her again if everyone looked like her. I hope that's something I can pass on to Michael--that we're all looking for each other and for ourselves, so we might as well help each other out.

kick it into high gear

Well, I started writing a blog post about two weeks ago and never got around to finishing and/or posting it so lets try again shall we?

These past few weeks have been filled with meetings and more meetings and more meetings after that. But that's how this time of year is for teachers, and its a paycheck.

Otherwise I feel pretty good about everything. My classroom is set up, my copies are all made and I'm planned for both classes through September. I'm still waiting on getting all the testing dates in October to plan out that month.

I've also been working to get everything planned and in place for when I’ll be on maternity leave. Thankfully, I only have two preps first semester (meaning I only have two classes I have to plan for), which makes planning for a substitute much easier. I am hoping that one of my friends who I went through teacher’s college with can be my sub, just so that I would have a better idea of who was with my students and it would make communication a little easier too. I just really hope that Michael waits until fall break to pop his little self into the world. Fall break begins October 23, so as long as he doesn’t take after his mommy too much and decide to come more than one week early we’ll be all set. Though I’ll make sub plans for the weeks before fall break just in case he does.

A few weeks ago, my sister threw me a baby shower in her kindergarten classroom. It was really cute, and we laughed about how it was exactly one year ago that I was having a bridal shower, haha. Michael’s crib is all finished and set up, and my aunts went in together to buy a changing table/dresser which should be arriving any day and Aaron’s parents bought us a rocker that should arrive in a month and a half. So all that’s left to do for the nursery is to put away all the clothes and find some artwork to put on the walls.

I can’t believe how much Michael moves around now. At first it was really only at night that I could feel him, then it would be in the mid-morning as I was teaching, now it’s all throughout the day (and night, haha) which makes me happy because that must mean that he’s growing.

I’m also having some definite body image issues as both Michael and I get bigger. I do know that for someone who is 29 weeks pregnant I am quite little, but I still feel gigantic and wish I could just wear whatever I want like I’m used to. It’s not my belly that bothers me, that I actually like. It’s more that I can tell I’ve gained weight in other places like my thighs, arms and face—and that I am not a fan of. I also hate that my feet have spread so I can’t wear a lot of my high heels anymore. I went shopping the other day and was so sad to see an absolutely adorable pair of heels that I know I can't/shouldn't wear. Oh well.

I had an appointment with my midwife this afternoon and everything is going along as it should be and both Michael and I are healthy, which is really all I can ask for. From now on I'll start having appointments every two weeks as we get closer and closer to the due date!

new paint, new job

Well it's been a busy couple of weeks, but what else is new, right?

I finally made two baby registries, one at Buy Buy Baby and one at Babies R Us. I decided not to do one at Target because their return policy is ridiculous, they honestly don't have that much baby stuff and when Aaron and I went to go ask about starting a registry there, the employees were extremely rude. Unfortunately, there just aren't any places in Lincoln to register for baby things.

One thing we have lots of? Baby clothes. Younkers has been having a good sale on baby things so we have quite a selection from there. Also, Aaron's sister Rachael and her husband Justin sent us an adorable pair of shoes with little pirates on them (pirate booties!) and Aaron's parents gave us a little sweater they found with a skull and crossbones on them. Arrr matey. My mom also found some of my old pairs of overalls that my grandpa gave all us grandkids so we could be good little farmers, haha.

While we're on the subject of new things for Michael, last week two of my little cousins were in town visiting my parents so we took them to Paint Yourself Silly. While they each painted their mugs, I painted a piggy bank in the shape of a sock monkey. I think he looks so cute, like he's just sitting there saying, "Yay! I'm ready to be Michael's piggy bank!"

A couple weeks ago, my grandma told me that she'd like to embroider a baby quilt as a gift to Michael, so my mom and I went to Hobby Lobby to find a pattern that I liked. I eventually went with one with pictures from different nursery rhymes on it. Here's what it looks like.

I'm also currently working on embroidering some baby bibs and eventually I'll do a little crib pillow too. Yes, I know how to and enjoy embroidery. For some reason people tend to find this surprising.

Today Aaron and my dad painted Michael's room:

Original paint color. Check out my awesome taping job.

painting...

All done! And the crib is put together too!

Last week I ordered Michael's bedding, so hopefully it'll be in this next week and we can continue working on getting everything set up and ready for our little peanut's arrival.

I had a midwife appointment on Monday. I have gained twenty-four pounds. Ho-ly crap. Even though I know I'm really not large at all (especially for someone who is six months pregnant) I am starting to feel like a cranky hippo. I'm used to being able to wear whatever I want in my closet, and I can't do that anymore. I love Michael more than anything, but I am definitely ready to have my body back, haha. One thing I really love about my baby bump is that when I lay on my back, I can see when Michael is moving around. It literally makes me start laughing every time I see it.

Outside of baby news:

Thursday was my last day of teaching Creative Writing at Summer School. Overall, I feel the class was successful. There are of course some things I would do differently if I taught the class again and some things that we just weren't able to do due to the limitations of the course only being six weeks long. I'm really glad I was able to get the job, because I learned and grew so much from it and really started coming into my own more as a teacher.

On Tuesday I had a job interview with a high school in the district, and on Thursday LPS called me and told me I was hired! Needless to say, I am pretty excited, and a little terrified too, haha. I'll be teaching English 9E, 10E and Children's Literature (which is an elective course for Juniors and Seniors). So I'm taking this weekend to kind of relax and get my house in order and then I'll jump back into lesson planning and preparing on Monday.

This also means I get to go shopping for maternity teaching clothes. Darn, we all know what a chore clothes shopping is for me...

a bag of green apples

Metaphors by Sylvia Plath

I'm a riddle in nine syllables,
An elephant, a ponderous house,
A melon strolling on two tendrils.
O red fruit, ivory, fine timbers!
This loaf's big with its yeasty rising.
Money's new-minted in this fat purse.
I'm a means, a stage, a cow in calf.
I 've eaten a bag of green apples,
Boarded the train there's no getting off.

Michael Dylan Ball

Last Tuesday Aaron and I found out peanut's gender















It's a boy!

We're naming him Michael Dylan Ball. Michael because both Aaron and I have always liked that name and Dylan after Bob Dylan




















because yes, we are that cool.

The ultrasound technician checked over and measured every part of Michael/peanut and said that everything looks good. She said that Michael is in the 65th percentile for babies his age, which is just right. I was worried that she was going to tell us Michael was smaller than average or that something was wrong, so I was quite relieved. When she measured Michael's legs she said they were pretty long and asked if either of us had anyone tall in our families. So I guess he's already taking after Aaron's side in one aspect.

Immediately after finding out the sex, Aaron and I went to the mall and bought a few clothes for peanut:


















And also this fuzzy brown pillow bear that we've been calling Baloo:




















I'll be honest, I kind of want to just keep Baloo for myself, he's so soft and cuddly, haha.

My mom also went out and bought a bunch of clothes at a garage sale a friend of the family's was having. Aaron and I joked last night that Michael has more wardrobe choices than his dad does.

I've definitely been feeling Michael move around a lot more, and on Sunday night as we were reading Where the Sidewalk Ends to him, Aaron was able to feel him for the first time too. I'm also showing more now--I've gained 20 pounds! Even though I know I'm not, I feel huge. This is honestly the most I've weighed since my sophomore year of high school, and this is the most my body has changed since I was around 17, so this is a bit to get used to for me. Today I went out and bought a few new tops that fit me a little better over the stomach. I'll have to have Aaron take a picture of me sometime with my baby bump so I can post it here.

I was feeling kind of down this weekend, because of a combination of things. I've been working a lot--basically everyday I'm at at least one of my two jobs, leaving for school at 7 every morning to go to school and not getting home until close to 11 every night from my retail job. Not ever having any time to just relax and feeling like I always have a mountain of things to do was really starting to get to me. I'm also going though somewhat of a questioning of my identity and wondering how how this new label of mother effects me as a person. Do I still get to be myself? Do I still get to like weird things and talk about politics and dress how I like and say what's on my mind etc etc. These are things I asked myself when I first found out I was pregnant and I don't know that I've figured it out, or really that I will . It will probably be a work in progress, as of course life itself is.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to my dad--truly one of the coolest people I have ever known. Thanks for giving me my dark hair and dark eyes, having fantastic taste in music, teaching me how to count money and open a wine bottle, making me see both sides of an argument, taking me to the museum and on bike rides and reading poetry and stories to me every night when I was little.

On Tuesday we find out peanut's gender. That night Aaron and I are having our parents over for dinner to tell them whether it's a boy or girl. Unfortunately, my dad will be out of town for business and won't be able to come. I know he feels terrible about this, but he has to be in D.C., so I'm going to text him (new thing I learned this week--apparently my dad texts all the time on his blackberry, who knew?) right after the midwife appointment, so he'll actually be the first one to know.

love my baby (and my baby daddy)

Three things I want right now:
1. sushi
2. a california kid sandwich without sprouts from bisonwiches
3. a heineken













<3love.

This week I started teaching summer school. I teach two sections of creative writing to about a total of 60 kids from all the different high schools in Lincoln. The kids are all pretty funny. On the first day of class I told them that even though I'm going to really try not to, I might have to break the school's "no food" rule because I'm pregnant and I really just can't handle being hungry. My students then started asking me when I was due and who my "baby daddy" is, which made me laugh. Yesterday marked the start of my 19th week--Aaron and I have both remarked how quickly the time has gone by. We've registered for some baby classes at the local hospital and I also signed up for an exercise class that will start in a couple weeks. I'm excited to meet some other moms to be.



















I've gotten a bit more of a baby bump, though the debate is still on as to whether or not I look obviously pregnant. The general consensus seems to be that for me, I definitely look pregnant, but if you didn't know what I normally look like, you would never think that I am. Either way, I finally bought some maternity pants as my jeans were just getting way too uncomfortable.




Peanut also got some new clothes this week--Aaron's parents were in Nevada and California and brought back this shirt from a coffee house they visited:















I can't wait to dress peanut in this!

My parents were also out of town this past week, on a trip to New Mexico. My mom brought me back some fudge from Garden of the Gods (yumyum) and also this doll:




















She said she thought it looked like me--and I'm even holding my little peanut.

I have definitely started to feel the baby move more, and Aaron and I have been reading to him or her every night. We'll find out the gender in a little over a week and I really can't wait. We'll let our parents know first of course, then I'll make the super classy electronic announcement via facebook and this blog. So go ahead and cast your votes/guesses/whathaveyou.

"you wear peanut well"

Well, it's been almost two weeks that we've been in our new place and we're pretty much all moved in. We bought some new furniture, dug up some hand-me-downs and just about have everything hung up and put away (I accidentally broke the glass in one of our picture frames and then Aaron tripped over it and accidentally broke it further--oops!). Sometime soon we're going to go shopping for a little bistro set to have on our front porch and then we have a list of little update jobs to do around the place--including starting on peanut's room!

Aaron and I decided that we're going to paint peanut's room a really light yellow, since that would be cheery but not too loud and it will go with either of the bedding sets I've picked out. We also got the baby crib yesterday--my co-operating teacher from student teaching sold us the baby crib her youngest just outgrew, so now Aaron just needs to put it together. Once we know the gender (in a little over two weeks!) I'll be able to decorate more and really start registering for things. My sister is planning on throwing a baby shower for me with our side of the family in late July, so I should start adding things to my registries pretty soon.

So Aaron thinks I'm starting to get a little bump and told me today that I actually looked a little bit pregnant, though still not very much. Last weekend my mom told me that she doesn't think I look pregnant yet but that she could tell that I'm definitely "thickening out", which I have decided to take as a compliment...I guess. I don't like being at this in-between area of noticeably having gained weight, yet not obviously being pregnant yet.

However, I do think that I might have felt peanut move for the first time (well, I'm sure it's not the first time they've moved, just the first time I've felt it). Though I'm not for sure, as I don't know exactly how it's supposed to feel, but I don't know what else it would be. Exciting!

Otherwise not much else going on, other than that I've kind of become addicted to fla-vor-ice popsicles. And naps.