hello there little one,

Today Aaron and I went to visit our midwife for a checkup. We got to hear peanut's heartbeat for the first time! Aaron and I started to get a little worried because she had a bit of a hard time finding it. But finally there it was! Aaron says it sounded like a a static dog barking, haha. I think it sounds like peanut is trying to run a marathon. Though I imagine growing your entire body from scratch would be pretty tiring work.

I am currently in my twelfth week. It's weird to think that soon I'll be in my second trimester. I haven't had any morning sickness in a couple weeks and I haven't been as exhausted. Basically I've been feeling, and acting, more like my normal self. I've gained 5 pounds so far, which the midwife says is exactly in the range of what I'm supposed to gain in my first trimester. Everyone says that they can't tell I've gained any weight, but I can. My skinny leg jeans have become extremely tight, haha. I've also been doing better on nutrition than I thought I was. I don't think I've ever gotten so much calcium in my life.

This week Aaron and I started writing journals to peanut. We each got a composition notebook and have been writing to peanut about what is going on in our life as well as in theirs. I think it will be a really beautiful gift to give to peanut when they're old enough to read and appreciate it. In my baby book I have a letter that my mom wrote to me that I love reading. Hopefully peanut will like our journals to him or her.

A few weeks ago I began researching, talking to people and really thinking about what I want my pregnancy and birth experience to be like. I know that I want to have as natural a childbirth as possible. I don't want to have drugs or painkillers unless absolutely necessary. More than anything, I feel a midwife is more about putting the experience of birth into the mother's hands and giving them a choice about their own body and their own pregnancy. I do think that we as a culture have gotten to a place where the power (empowerment) of birth has been largely taken away from women. I don't think this has necessarily been a conspiracy or anything of that sort, but I do believe there has been an effort from the (male dominated) medical community to take away the credibility of midwives and to turn childbirth into a drugged up, scary experience. I watched an interesting documentary on the subject called The Business of Being Born about three weeks ago.

The film is obviously biased and I don't think that Ob-gyns are all sitting in a room thinking of ways to screw women over. However, I do think that that is what is happening, simply based on our culture's desire for convenience and progress for the sake of "progress". I think there are two types of pain that our body can feel: bad pain which is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong, and good pain, which is when your body is growing, stretching, straining itself. I'm not saying that I think painkillers are bad for labor, I just don't like that they've become assumed.

I will still be giving birth in a hospital. I like hospitals, always have. For some reason I feel very comfortable in them and the birthing suites at Saint Elizabeth's (where I'll be delivering) are amazing, and even have whirlpools in them for water birth--which I am currently considering. Also, in the state of Nebraska, midwives are not allowed to attend home births, so even if I wanted one, I wouldn't be able to. Thankfully, my midwife says that Saint E's is really cool about midwives coming in and delivering babies instead of doctors.

Last week Aaron and I signed the lease and put down the deposit on the duplex that we'll be moving into in mid-May. The duplex has three bedrooms, one bathroom, all wood floors and a washer and dryer. The location is great, it's two blocks away from the Sunken Gardens, close to a park and the children's zoo and also only a few blocks away from Asher, Krystal and Tony. I'm so excited to move. We've found a new dining table and chairs and all we really need is a coffee table for the living room. Aaron and I decided to spend some of our tax return on a new TV and TV stand, that will be nice to have too.

Next week is my last week of student teaching, then I'll be subbing for the month of May as well as hopefully hearing back soon about a summer (maybe longer) job.

My Body is All That I Own

To split yourself in two
is the most radical thing you can do.
So girl if that shit aint up to you,
then you simply are not free.
Cause from the sunlight on my hair,
to which eggs I grow to term,
to the expression that I wear--
all I really own is me.
~Ani DiFranco

I painted this five years ago as my final for my painting applications course. It is sad that today I am feeling I could paint something even more depressing.

Today is a sad, aggravating, infuriating and embarrassing day to be a woman, a feminist and a Nebraskan.

Yesterday, Governor Heineman signed two bills into law that severely restrict a woman's night to make decisions in regards to her own personal health and body. The first, LB1103 bans abortions past the 20th week after conception based on some shaky science that the fetus can feel pain. Even if it were proven that the fetus can feel pain at this stage, I do not see where that should negate the rights of the mother.

The second bill, LB594, requires all doctors to screen women for "possible mental or physical risk factors". The bill does not state what these factors are, or how doctors would determine or document them. This bill would also not make allowances for women with mental health issues to have abortions.

Truly, these bills intentions are to make it nearly impossible for women in Nebraska to obtain a safe and legal abortion, should they choose. There is an arguably more sinister effort to these bills, in that, because they are blatantly unconstitutional and LB594 specifically is quite hard to know and regulate, the hope among anti-choicers is that they will inspire cases to go to the United States Supreme Court. This, they hope, will lead to an eventual overturn of Roe vs. Wade and open up the doors to make abortion fully illegal in the United States. If you would like a view of what that might be like, see the Romanian film 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days.



Of course, this legislative session Nebraska also revoked medicaid coverage for women who are not in the country legally. So not only will the state not give help to women who need it, but it also wont let them choose to terminate the pregnancy that they clearly cannot afford. Here's an idea, if you are so concerned with the rights of the fetus and making sure it does not feel pain or discomfort--PROVIDE SERVICES TO HELP IT AND KEEP IT HEALTHY.

A woman's right to choose what she does with her body and more specifically her own reproductive health has always been an important issue to me. As someone who is currently pregnant, especially with an unplanned pregnancy, these issues seem even more pertinent than before.

When I found out about my pregnancy over a month ago, I did not know what I was going to do. I looked at all the options in front of me and weighed each one to find what was right for me. I eventually chose to continue with the pregnancy and to have the baby. I made this choice because Aaron and I are in a long term committed relationship and had already planned on having children together--it was just that the timing was a bit off. Had circumstances been different, I might have made a different choice. The point of the issue here is that I did make the choice. I decided what was right for me to do with my body.

The real kicker behind this kind of legislation is that it is so often supported by people who are constantly screaming about smaller government. Indeed, Governor Heineman, who signed the bills, calling them "sound public policy" was also yesterday at a Tea Party rally talking about how there is too much government interference in the lives of citizens. I guess that doesn't apply to women and our reproductive health and choices. In that regard, they feel that clearly women are not smart or capable enough to handle making ourown decisions.

What anti-choicers fundamentally do not understand is that being pro-choice does not mean being pro-abortion. It means recognizing that a safe and legal abortion should be an option for a woman who decides they cannot or do not want to carry a pregnancy to term. The reasons for this decision need only be important and explainable to the woman making it and no one else. It also means recognizing that the label of pro-choice extends to decision making capabilities in general including birth control and parenting decisions.

If men had babies, abortion would be considered not only a constitutional but also a basic human right. However, because they do not and because there is still an inherent belief in our culture that women cannot rationally take care of themselves, men take away and use the reproductive power of women to continue to subjugate us. These bills will not stop abortions, they will not stop unplanned pregnancies. They will simply make them horribly unsafe and even more traumatic for women.

I am a woman, I am a (soon to be) mother, and I am pro-choice. I am choosing to have my baby. And I made this informed choice on my own--without government or any man (or other woman) telling me what I should do, which is how it should, must be.

How am I already hungry again?

I may have spoken too soon in my last post about not having much morning sickness, as last week I ended up having it three days in a row. One of those days was while I was at work at my campus job. It did not make for a very fun shift. However, I have started keeping saltine crackers by my bed and eating a few as soon as I wake up. It's a tip I read somewhere or other and it seems to be helping. It also seems to help me have more of an appetite in the morning.














Here's what peanut looks like about now.

These past couple weeks I have definitely also noticed more changes in my body. Everything is just a slight bit bigger and since becoming pregnant I've gained 2 1/2 pounds. I had to go up a size in pantyhose, haha. Granted I was right on the brink between size A and B anyways. Thankfully I'm still not showing. Someone asked me if I planned on telling my students about my being pregnant. The answer is no. Though, if one of them asks me straight up, I'm not going to lie to them. But otherwise I don't see the point in having that conversation.

I have been crazy tired though. I even slept through Lost on Tuesday!












I know, I was shocked too.

I also have just been soooo hungry lately. I just keep bringing more and more food with me to school to eat during the day. For example, yesterday during my lunch/plan period I ate a sandwich, apple, cheese, yogurt, animal crackers and a sliced banana mixed with strawberries. I don't know about you, but for me that is a ton of food. I swear, pretty soon it's going to be like that scene in The Breakfast Club where the wrestler (Emilio Estevez) takes out his lunch and it's an entire grocery sack filled with food.













Aaron and I have taken to talking to peanut every night about our day, and telling him or her how much we love them and how excited we are to meet them. We've also started telling them about all the people waiting to meet them and love them too.

As far as student teaching goes, I only have four weeks left and I know they are going to fly by. With this new term we started teaching a new class, Women's Literature, which I of course would love no matter what, but the students we have are brilliant. I also had my third observation today, and it went well. My supervisor told me she can tell I've gotten a lot better at being firmer with students. I definitely attribute this to pregnancy. Knowing I'm someone's mother now makes me not want to take anyone's crap.

Last thing, I was actually on campus the other day and I bought peanut a present:










Husker baby booties!