hello there little one,

Today Aaron and I went to visit our midwife for a checkup. We got to hear peanut's heartbeat for the first time! Aaron and I started to get a little worried because she had a bit of a hard time finding it. But finally there it was! Aaron says it sounded like a a static dog barking, haha. I think it sounds like peanut is trying to run a marathon. Though I imagine growing your entire body from scratch would be pretty tiring work.

I am currently in my twelfth week. It's weird to think that soon I'll be in my second trimester. I haven't had any morning sickness in a couple weeks and I haven't been as exhausted. Basically I've been feeling, and acting, more like my normal self. I've gained 5 pounds so far, which the midwife says is exactly in the range of what I'm supposed to gain in my first trimester. Everyone says that they can't tell I've gained any weight, but I can. My skinny leg jeans have become extremely tight, haha. I've also been doing better on nutrition than I thought I was. I don't think I've ever gotten so much calcium in my life.

This week Aaron and I started writing journals to peanut. We each got a composition notebook and have been writing to peanut about what is going on in our life as well as in theirs. I think it will be a really beautiful gift to give to peanut when they're old enough to read and appreciate it. In my baby book I have a letter that my mom wrote to me that I love reading. Hopefully peanut will like our journals to him or her.

A few weeks ago I began researching, talking to people and really thinking about what I want my pregnancy and birth experience to be like. I know that I want to have as natural a childbirth as possible. I don't want to have drugs or painkillers unless absolutely necessary. More than anything, I feel a midwife is more about putting the experience of birth into the mother's hands and giving them a choice about their own body and their own pregnancy. I do think that we as a culture have gotten to a place where the power (empowerment) of birth has been largely taken away from women. I don't think this has necessarily been a conspiracy or anything of that sort, but I do believe there has been an effort from the (male dominated) medical community to take away the credibility of midwives and to turn childbirth into a drugged up, scary experience. I watched an interesting documentary on the subject called The Business of Being Born about three weeks ago.

The film is obviously biased and I don't think that Ob-gyns are all sitting in a room thinking of ways to screw women over. However, I do think that that is what is happening, simply based on our culture's desire for convenience and progress for the sake of "progress". I think there are two types of pain that our body can feel: bad pain which is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong, and good pain, which is when your body is growing, stretching, straining itself. I'm not saying that I think painkillers are bad for labor, I just don't like that they've become assumed.

I will still be giving birth in a hospital. I like hospitals, always have. For some reason I feel very comfortable in them and the birthing suites at Saint Elizabeth's (where I'll be delivering) are amazing, and even have whirlpools in them for water birth--which I am currently considering. Also, in the state of Nebraska, midwives are not allowed to attend home births, so even if I wanted one, I wouldn't be able to. Thankfully, my midwife says that Saint E's is really cool about midwives coming in and delivering babies instead of doctors.

Last week Aaron and I signed the lease and put down the deposit on the duplex that we'll be moving into in mid-May. The duplex has three bedrooms, one bathroom, all wood floors and a washer and dryer. The location is great, it's two blocks away from the Sunken Gardens, close to a park and the children's zoo and also only a few blocks away from Asher, Krystal and Tony. I'm so excited to move. We've found a new dining table and chairs and all we really need is a coffee table for the living room. Aaron and I decided to spend some of our tax return on a new TV and TV stand, that will be nice to have too.

Next week is my last week of student teaching, then I'll be subbing for the month of May as well as hopefully hearing back soon about a summer (maybe longer) job.

My Body is All That I Own

To split yourself in two
is the most radical thing you can do.
So girl if that shit aint up to you,
then you simply are not free.
Cause from the sunlight on my hair,
to which eggs I grow to term,
to the expression that I wear--
all I really own is me.
~Ani DiFranco

I painted this five years ago as my final for my painting applications course. It is sad that today I am feeling I could paint something even more depressing.

Today is a sad, aggravating, infuriating and embarrassing day to be a woman, a feminist and a Nebraskan.

Yesterday, Governor Heineman signed two bills into law that severely restrict a woman's night to make decisions in regards to her own personal health and body. The first, LB1103 bans abortions past the 20th week after conception based on some shaky science that the fetus can feel pain. Even if it were proven that the fetus can feel pain at this stage, I do not see where that should negate the rights of the mother.

The second bill, LB594, requires all doctors to screen women for "possible mental or physical risk factors". The bill does not state what these factors are, or how doctors would determine or document them. This bill would also not make allowances for women with mental health issues to have abortions.

Truly, these bills intentions are to make it nearly impossible for women in Nebraska to obtain a safe and legal abortion, should they choose. There is an arguably more sinister effort to these bills, in that, because they are blatantly unconstitutional and LB594 specifically is quite hard to know and regulate, the hope among anti-choicers is that they will inspire cases to go to the United States Supreme Court. This, they hope, will lead to an eventual overturn of Roe vs. Wade and open up the doors to make abortion fully illegal in the United States. If you would like a view of what that might be like, see the Romanian film 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days.



Of course, this legislative session Nebraska also revoked medicaid coverage for women who are not in the country legally. So not only will the state not give help to women who need it, but it also wont let them choose to terminate the pregnancy that they clearly cannot afford. Here's an idea, if you are so concerned with the rights of the fetus and making sure it does not feel pain or discomfort--PROVIDE SERVICES TO HELP IT AND KEEP IT HEALTHY.

A woman's right to choose what she does with her body and more specifically her own reproductive health has always been an important issue to me. As someone who is currently pregnant, especially with an unplanned pregnancy, these issues seem even more pertinent than before.

When I found out about my pregnancy over a month ago, I did not know what I was going to do. I looked at all the options in front of me and weighed each one to find what was right for me. I eventually chose to continue with the pregnancy and to have the baby. I made this choice because Aaron and I are in a long term committed relationship and had already planned on having children together--it was just that the timing was a bit off. Had circumstances been different, I might have made a different choice. The point of the issue here is that I did make the choice. I decided what was right for me to do with my body.

The real kicker behind this kind of legislation is that it is so often supported by people who are constantly screaming about smaller government. Indeed, Governor Heineman, who signed the bills, calling them "sound public policy" was also yesterday at a Tea Party rally talking about how there is too much government interference in the lives of citizens. I guess that doesn't apply to women and our reproductive health and choices. In that regard, they feel that clearly women are not smart or capable enough to handle making ourown decisions.

What anti-choicers fundamentally do not understand is that being pro-choice does not mean being pro-abortion. It means recognizing that a safe and legal abortion should be an option for a woman who decides they cannot or do not want to carry a pregnancy to term. The reasons for this decision need only be important and explainable to the woman making it and no one else. It also means recognizing that the label of pro-choice extends to decision making capabilities in general including birth control and parenting decisions.

If men had babies, abortion would be considered not only a constitutional but also a basic human right. However, because they do not and because there is still an inherent belief in our culture that women cannot rationally take care of themselves, men take away and use the reproductive power of women to continue to subjugate us. These bills will not stop abortions, they will not stop unplanned pregnancies. They will simply make them horribly unsafe and even more traumatic for women.

I am a woman, I am a (soon to be) mother, and I am pro-choice. I am choosing to have my baby. And I made this informed choice on my own--without government or any man (or other woman) telling me what I should do, which is how it should, must be.

How am I already hungry again?

I may have spoken too soon in my last post about not having much morning sickness, as last week I ended up having it three days in a row. One of those days was while I was at work at my campus job. It did not make for a very fun shift. However, I have started keeping saltine crackers by my bed and eating a few as soon as I wake up. It's a tip I read somewhere or other and it seems to be helping. It also seems to help me have more of an appetite in the morning.














Here's what peanut looks like about now.

These past couple weeks I have definitely also noticed more changes in my body. Everything is just a slight bit bigger and since becoming pregnant I've gained 2 1/2 pounds. I had to go up a size in pantyhose, haha. Granted I was right on the brink between size A and B anyways. Thankfully I'm still not showing. Someone asked me if I planned on telling my students about my being pregnant. The answer is no. Though, if one of them asks me straight up, I'm not going to lie to them. But otherwise I don't see the point in having that conversation.

I have been crazy tired though. I even slept through Lost on Tuesday!












I know, I was shocked too.

I also have just been soooo hungry lately. I just keep bringing more and more food with me to school to eat during the day. For example, yesterday during my lunch/plan period I ate a sandwich, apple, cheese, yogurt, animal crackers and a sliced banana mixed with strawberries. I don't know about you, but for me that is a ton of food. I swear, pretty soon it's going to be like that scene in The Breakfast Club where the wrestler (Emilio Estevez) takes out his lunch and it's an entire grocery sack filled with food.













Aaron and I have taken to talking to peanut every night about our day, and telling him or her how much we love them and how excited we are to meet them. We've also started telling them about all the people waiting to meet them and love them too.

As far as student teaching goes, I only have four weeks left and I know they are going to fly by. With this new term we started teaching a new class, Women's Literature, which I of course would love no matter what, but the students we have are brilliant. I also had my third observation today, and it went well. My supervisor told me she can tell I've gotten a lot better at being firmer with students. I definitely attribute this to pregnancy. Knowing I'm someone's mother now makes me not want to take anyone's crap.

Last thing, I was actually on campus the other day and I bought peanut a present:










Husker baby booties!

Peace is Having a Peanut.

When I was a little kid, I made a nativity set out of a shoebox, with clothespins as Mary and Joseph and a little tiny peanut with a smiley face on it for the baby Jesus. Right now the baby is about the size of that baby Jesus peanut and so peanut is what Aaron and I have started calling it. We do have names picked out, but until we know the gender, we can't start using them, and I don't like calling it "it". So for now it's just peanut.

~*~*~*~*~*~

This week I am on spring break, and it is very much needed. I've just been tired and worn out all week. I kept hearing that this was a side effect of pregnancy and I have kept waiting to feel it, and now I am. I wonder what will happen next week when I go back to teaching. Thankfully I have only had morning sickness once, about two weeks ago, and that's been it. My mom told me that she had no morning sickness with my older sister and had hardly any with with me, so maybe that's a nice little gift from mom? I have six more weeks left of student teaching, and I really hope that I continue to not show until after I'm done.

Speaking of teaching, on Monday I had my first job interview for a teaching position. It was with a small district about an hour away from where I am now. On my drive up to the interview I was turning over in my head whether or not I would really want to move to a new town in a few months. Granted it wouldn't be very far away, but I was questioning how well I would hold up trying to deal with being a first year teacher and having a baby and being away from my support system all at the same time. My fear is: not well. Thankfully though, I am not having to make that decision quite yet. Halfway through my interview it became very clear to me that this district and I would not be a good match with each other. The district is a very good one, and has a great reputation, but we definitely have different ideas about the purposes and practices of teaching English. I left the interview knowing that if they offered me the job I would politely decline. However, I found out today that they ended up going with someone else, which does not surprise me. So now I await for one of the other five districts I've applied to to call me up for an interview.

On Tuesday I had my first appointment with the baby doctor. It was pretty basic, the nurse just went over things with me: what I should be eating and drinking, what vitamins I should be taking and my medical history.

The doctor also gave me a planner with week by week pictures of what the baby looks like. Here's where I am (week 7):

freaky. Also, there is a heartbeat. ONE heartbeat. ONE. Granted, they said that I could still be having multiples as the heartbeats could just be in sync right now.

Sorry, just had to do that.
But yes, as of right now, ONLY ONE. Though after I told the doctor about all the twins in Aaron's family and the fact that my dad was originally supposed to be a twin, the look on their face was pretty priceless and they just said, "Oh my. Well. We'll just have to watch for that."

The doctor also talked to me about nutrition. The biggest thing right now is that I need to be getting between 80 and 100 grams of protein a day. That is a lot for me, especially as someone who doesn't eat a whole lot of meat. Thankfully protein is in a lot of other things.
2 glasses of skim milk (8 grams per serving)=16 grams
1 cup lowfat cottage cheese=26 grams
1 bowl cereal + milk= 12-15 grams depending on the type of cereal
2 tbsp peanut butter + an apple= 8 grams

That right there is 62 grams, so plus whatever I eat for lunch and dinner (I usually always have some meat with dinner) I'll easily get to 80 grams, plus I'm getting a ton of calcium in too.

The doctor also recommended I drink a gallon of water a day. I don't know how this is humanly possible. Seriously. I bought a water bottle that holds a quart, and I can't imagine drinking four of them each day. Two? Yes. Four? Not unless I want to float away and flush every electrolyte out of my body.

After my appointment I went shopping with my mom and sister. Even though I didn't plan on it, I did end up buying some clothes. I got two things from New York and Company that have room for me as I grow. Here's what I bought:




















The top is very stretchy and drapey and very comfy, I'll be able to wear it well into my pregnancy. NY&Co also has the top in gray, black, brown and white. I might go buy it in another color or two.




















This was on the clearance rack, and I don't care what anyone says, I love it. It's a one piece and will be very cool and comfortable during the summer. With my big sunglasses and heels I think it'll still look nice. I absolutely refuse to look like a shulb while pregnant. Usually (right now) I am a size two, though in this I bought a six, so it's very large on me right now, but there's plenty of room to grow now. I think this will be a great summer outfit for things like Jazz in June and Movies on the Green.




















Also at the mall, we found a really cool store that had a lot of crazy awesome things, including stuff for kids. There I found this book called The Peace Book by Todd Parr. Parr is a children's book author who had been recommended to me by a Facebook friend (who I also went to high school with) as well as by my sister (who is a kindergarten teacher). His books are really bright and colorful with beautifully simple messages for kids. The Peace Book tells kids all different ways to make the world a peaceful place, what we/they can do to create peace in their own lives and what peace means.

I truly hope that Aaron and I can make our peanut's childhood as wonderful and magical as our own were, and that they will grow up knowing how beautiful and complicated the world is. Hopefully we're on the right track to do so.

this is why you're fat (dot com)

I am not the healthiest eater. Granted, I'm not terrible. I don't eat fast food very much, I eat lots of salads and lean proteins and try to buy organic when I can afford it. I do however have a huge sweet tooth and I do admit to eating a marginally ridiculous amount of candy, cookies and other sweet things. Also, while I said I don't eat fast food very much, I have definitely been eating it more this semester that I've been student teaching.

Being pregnant, I not only think about every chemical/product I use, but of course I am tremendously preoccupied with what I'm eating. Thankfully, I do have a good resource in my pseudo-sister-in-law Krystal who is a nutritionist. This past week Krystal brought me handouts from her job about what I should and should not be eating. There weren't a whole lot of surprises or disappointments. I can't eat sushi which makes me a little sad and I can't eat a whole lot of fish in general. I also can't eat deli meats (weird) which is probably going to be the biggest change for me as usually I eat turkey all the time.

So, my changes meal by meal:

Breakfast
Usually I had cranberry juice and toast with jam. However, lately I just haven't been very hungry in the mornings. I don't exactly feel nauseous or anything, I just don't have an appetite. I can usually at least get a granola bar down. I've found that by the time I get to school though I'm pretty hungry, so I really need to start having some healthy snacks there to eat, as this past week I've just been eating stuff out of the vending machine, which is a habit I'd rather not get into.

Lunch
Pre-pregnancy I had a salad topped with a hard boiled egg, turkey, cheese, carrots and lite dressing every day for lunch. My basic lunch has stayed the same with a few changes. I now make my salad out of spinach instead of lettuce and have grilled chicken instead of turkey, because apparently lunch meat is now on my list of "don't eats" unless it's heated up. I've also started eating this really great 9 grain bread from The Grain Bin with my lunch to get in even more fiber and such.

Dinner
I need recipes for this! Usually Aaron and I make whatever is quick and easy. We have taco or fajita night once a week, so anyone who has any other Mexican recipes should send them my way. Once this semester is done we'll have more time to cook and will actually get to eat together more than 3 times a week, so I'm sure I'll get to eat some more interesting things then.

Caffeine
Caffeine is definitely my vice. I started drinking coffee when I was thirteen and while I don't drink as much as I did in high school (as in, a pot a day) I would still usually have a cup or two a day. Then I would also have a diet coke, sometimes two. This has changed. I've now limited myself to one caffeinated drink a day. This has admittedly been pretty difficult for me to do. Though in the spring and summer I pretty much live off of (herbal) iced tea, so it should get easier...I hope. Sigh, what a luxury it would be to have a coffee in the morning and a diet coke in the evening...

In other news, but still related...
Last weekend my friend Ann who is currently teaching English in France called me to talk. She asked me if I had noticed any changes in my body yet. I told her I haven't yet, aside from noticing my chest is bigger. This of course will change in a couple months. Right now the baby isn't even half an inch long, but eventually it'll be like carrying a watermelon around (or so the baby book I bought described it). So I've decided to document my changing body. My doctor told me I should gain between 25-35 pounds. I just really want those to be health pounds, not cookie pounds, because that wouldn't be healthy for the baby or for me. I've only had one other time in my life where I needed to purposely gain weight, but that was a pretty different situation. Basically I'm just going to eat as healthy as possible and try and make sure my extra calories come from proteins and calcium and other good things.


















Starting Numbers:
Weight: 125 pounds
Waist: 26 inches
Bust: 35 inches
Hips: 36 inches.

These are numbers that I am certain will make me horribly depressed in a few months, but I want a chubby happy baby. And I'll be cute pregnant--right?

I'm currently working on a new entry all about food and nutrition during pregnancy, but while I'm working on it, this is a link to another blog that I've started reading about a teacher in Illinois who is eating school lunches for a year to prove just how horribly unhealthy they are for children.

http://fedupwithschoollunch.blogspot.com/

A few months ago I saw a documentary titled Killer at Large, which explores the growing problem of childhood obesity. As a lover and advocate of children and young adults, this is something that was greatly concerning to me. Now as a soon to be mother, the importance is even greater.

It truly sickens me how little concern and care is given to the meals students in this country receive. There is definitely an issue of poverty in this as well, as students who come from low income families have no choice but to eat the lunches available to them as school. While getting some food is better than none, this poor nutrition only further serves to feed the system keeping lower economic classes down and dependent on the very system abusing them.

I always get upset when someone is not being served and supported by those in a position and with the responsibility to do so. This increases when those people are children, as I feel that children should be fully engaged with the experience of being children. That is, exploring, experiencing and learning about the world around them and the wonderment it contains. We as adults have a responsibility to ensure that children are given an honest chance to become fully developed, caring and critically thinking adults. When we do things like let our children be fed garbage that makes them unhealthy and unable to be full human beings, we are failing them, plain and simple.

uck. chemicals. chemicals.

This week I have been figuring out what beauty products I can and can't use anymore and trying to find alternatives to those that I can't.

As soon as I found out about being pregnant, the first thing I did (other than tell family members of course) was went on-line to find nail polish that was safe for me to use. I had heard before that nail polish and nail polish remover weren't safe to use while pregnant. This is because of the chemicals found in the products, which can be very unsafe for the baby. I know nail polish might not seem like a big deal, but I've had my nails painted every day since I was 16, and doing my nails has become something that's become very therapeutic for me to do if I'm feeling stressed out or sad. So to me, finding safe nail polish was pretty important.

Luckily this was easy to do. After doing a basic search, I found a bunch of different companies/websites that sell nail products that are environmentally friendly as well as safe for pregnancy. I ordered a bottle from Peace Keeper Cause-Metics (www.iamapeacekeeper.com) which sells a line of affordable, vegan nail polish and nail polish remover. I also ordered a few bottles from Suncoat Products, who have a line of water-based polishes.

This led me to start thinking about the other beauty products I use every day and whether or not they are safe for me to be using. So, I made a list of the products I use every day (or at least frequently) and started researching. I found the website Natural Living for Women to be pretty helpful. Though of course you have to take everything with a grain of salt. There are some sites that basically say to not use anything while you're pregnant and in all honesty, seemed to me to be taking precaution a bit too far.

Skin Care--Proactive
I have been using Proactiv since I was 13 and it has always worked well for me. I searched for any information about its safety, and could never find a definitive answer. The active ingredient in Proactive is Benzoyl Peroxide, and I couldn't find any definitive proof as to whether or not it was harmful during pregnancy. It seemed like every site said some variation of "yeah, there's no proof it isn't safe, but you should still worry about it and not use it", which was more than a little annoying--just tell me whether or not it's safe! So for right now I've been continuing to use Proactiv, but I'll be sure to ask my doctor for sure when I have my first visit.

Hair Care
Basically, unless you use a prescription shampoo and conditioner, whatever you use to wash your hair is fine. This is what I assumed, so thankfully I don't have to make any changes in this area.

Hair Styling
To curl my hair every day I use old-school Richard Caruso Steam Rollers. They are fantastic, and because they just use steam, are completely safe.

This is not so much the case with my hair spray. Every day after taking my hair out of their curlers I use Aqua Net Extra Hold Hairspray. This stuff is heavy duty and is a remnant of my days as a competitive dancer. Of course, because it is heavy duty and works wonderfully well, it contains some pretty serious chemicals. Almost everything put into this hair spray is bad for the baby, so of course I promptly discontinued its use. I did start looking for some pregnancy-safe hairspray, but I've actually found that my hair holds the curl pretty well without it anyway, so as of right now, I'm not searching for any alternative. This may change when the weather gets more humid.

Every few months I get bored with how I look and color my hair. I have always used Feria by Loriel for this, and have rotated between "midnight black" "crushed amythest" and "chocolate covered cherry" (this is the one I use most often) for the past 8 years (has it really been that long!?). My natural color of hair is a really really dark brown which is actually quite pretty. Just, as I said, I get bored with how I look and hair is an easy thing to change. Now, I have searched around and not found any definitive answer as to whether or not hair color is bad for the baby. My mom told me that she colored her hair while pregnant with both my sister and I, though, it is important to keep in mind that this was over 20 years ago, and the chemicals may have changed. Also, my mom has always had short hair (usually above her ears) as compared to mine which when straight reaches the bottom of my sholder blades, so she would have been using a lot less color than I do

Makeup
So, lipstick contains lead. Fun, right? Because lipstick isn't ingested, the FDA allows lead to be present in the product. However this can be harmful to the fetus as it is developing. This is of course sad news to me, as I love to wear my red lipstick every day. However, as with everything else, I have found a few companies that sell safe lipstick, including this one that offers samples of their products.

Perfume
This was the hardest. Basically perfume contains awful chemicals that aren't good to have on the skin or be inhaled. So I immediately stopped using my usual Elizabeth Arden Red Door and J.Lo Glow perfumes. I found a few websites online that sell pregnancy-safe perfumes, but without being able to smell them before buying, I'm wary of making a purchase. Right now I think I'll just skip perfume till November. One less thing to buy I guess.


Doing all this research just made me feel a little exasperated about the fact that it seems like I can't use anything anymore. I mean seriously, why do we have all these awful chemicals in our products? I literally now stop at every little thing that is coming in contact with my body and think about the consequences of it, which I guess is a good thing, if not a little tedious. However, nothing is more important to me than having a healthy, happy baby.